$19 life ruiner, who wants it?


There’s a test of faith that goes something along the lines of this.

You ask someone if they’re an atheist. They say yes, then you ask if they would be willing to loudly say ‘I don’t believe in God’. If they say yes again, you ask them if they would do the next level up, which would be something like, ‘If God is real, he will kill me now’, but saying it three times.

(Does anyone know what I’m talking about? I have tried to Google this and this reference is just not coming up, but it definitely is a thing because I remember reading it in The Guardian at some point in time and bringing it up in conversation with my dad because I thought he would find it interesting. I remember he wasn’t that interested. Anyway.)

It’s a fun question, testing the limits of your belief (or lack thereof) and allowing you to draw out the most ardent atheist into saying they wouldn’t be comfortable saying it three times because they don’t want to tempt fate or God or whatever other power could instantly strike them down, thus meaning they lose this game, you win. Ha.

Here’s a new version of that test.

On TikTok, all the youths are saying that if you buy moldavite (a nice green rock that looks quite nice as part of jewellery), your life might radically fall apart... but it’ll be for your own good.

Or, to get more specific, by which I mean according to a crystal healer also on TikTok, it ‘removes obstacles between you and the path you are meant to be on’, which ‘can feel awful at the time’.

There are videos of people saying that after a few days of owning a bit of moldavite, their boyfriend dumped them, they got made redundant, their best friend’s sister got into a car accident, their best friend’s dog died1, they went through a friendship breakup, they had a miscarriage, and even that their parents died (is that one a joke? I’m really not sure).

So far, so sounding like a cursed object best avoided. But then, say these wise crystal types, all these losses and shake-ups are for your own good.

‘A year later you will be in a much better place,’ says crystal healer Molly, while someone called enigmaticaurora describes the process as follows: ‘It brings you to your highest self and that is a painful, extremely difficult process. Anything in your life that is not meant for you, moldavite is going to rip it out.’

TikTok is littered with warnings from moldavite-havers, warning people to absolutely not buy the crystal if they’re not ‘ready’.

Basically, if you believe that the power of moldavite is a real thing, getting hold of it will put you through a really shit time… but you’ll know you’re on the ‘right’ path by the end of it.

So… would you risk it? Would you dare to hang a bit of moldavite around your neck? And does your answer mean you believe in moldavite’s power more or less?

Look, obviously this is a bit different to the God-related question at the top, because there’s a fun added layer. Imagine this time you don’t have to say to God ‘kill me’ three times, but instead ‘fuck up my life, but do it in a way that’s ultimately good for me’.

In a way, that’s an even bigger test of faith, because you’d need to not only believe that God is real, but that they know exactly what path you should be on, and that if they make your partner cheat or your neighbour die, that’s actually for your good. What a level of trust.

In theory I love the sound of this, not because of a desire for total self-destruction, but because it would be so handy to have a guiding force - a God, a rock converted into a stylish yet still witchy pendant - having the final word on what the right decision is.

Imagine, if moldavite’s powers are to be believed, simply having every wrong option for you shut off immediately. What a dream.

This is a series of open questions. Do you believe in the power of moldavite? Would you buy it? Would you have absolute faith that whatever happened, it was not just a result of moldavite, but that it is meant to be?

If you don’t believe, would you wear a chunk of moldavite around your neck? If bad stuff began to happen, would you chuck that necklace out in horror? Keep it on because this is proof that it works as intended? Keep it on because it looks pretty and you know it’s just vitreous silica glass that has no bearing on loss, death, and despair?

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The good news is this: according to crystal wisdom, if you’re not supposed to buy moldavite, you won’t be able to. You will find Etsy shops unstocked, deliveries lost, moldavite dupes embedded in earrings. If deep down, you know you are not ready for moldavite, relax, for you may enjoy that seaglass necklace without worry or larger questions of your belief system.

Reading recs:


I love the blind faith of a teen deciding that their best friend’s dog had to die, because this is part of moldavite’s mission to ‘take the trash out’ and ‘separate you from the things that no longer serve you’. Please, someone put me in touch with the best friend, so I can ask them what it was like to tell their pal they’d lost a pet, only to receive the response that actually, this is an essential part of her path to enlightenment. Not YOURS, despite it being YOUR DOG, but hers. Amazing.

Also, would the dog have died if she hadn’t have bought moldavite? I’d be fuming if my best friend caused the death of my pet because she wanted to mess about with crystals.

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